Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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