When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize