The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Boobs are out for the taking
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
