Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
