remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
