I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
