I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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