i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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