Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
