I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
