hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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