i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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