New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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