Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
