Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
