i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
