On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
