im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
