If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
