Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize