i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
