you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
