im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
