Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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