after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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