The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
