Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
