Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
