Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it hurts more in the daytime
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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