All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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