next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
