Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
