plz talk dirty to me
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
