I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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