even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
