I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
