she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
