my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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