i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
