she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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