Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
