i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
