my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
