lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
