How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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