I can tuck mytits in my pants
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
