Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
