i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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