I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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