I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
