every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
