You're my little dorito
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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