Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
