I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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