I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
