How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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