how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
