Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
God, I missed his penis.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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