so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
